I can't cry.
At least not for the things I'm supposed to cry about.
A while ago, my friend and I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I was so deeply moved by some parts of the film because I could relate so much. It was moving to the point that I wanted to cry. But guess what? I didn't. Rather, I couldn't. The tears were on the verge of falling but they just clung to my lashes. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get them to flow.
It wasn't just during the movie. It happens almost all the time. I haven't had a good cry in weeks, probably months. It's not healthy. Everyone needs a good cry once in a while; it's therapeutic. Considering the things I've been feeling and going through recently, I really should cry. It's the only way to get that heavy feeling off my chest that I have almost everyday. And I want nothing more than to do that. But I just can't seem to.
It hurts to feel heartbreak or sadness or things like that but it hurts even more if I can't cry it out. Writing about it helps but I just want to cry, dammit! It's easier, it's faster, and I know damn well that it's more effective.
I know it's pathetic to cry over some of the things I'm feeling but I don't care. Crying will help me move on faster. Crying will help me accept things easier. Why won't my tear ducts just cooperate? At this point, I'd much rather have uncontrollable crying than uncontrollable non-crying.
I am such a mess,
Louise
Monday, October 1, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Progress Report
Zip.
Nil.
Nada.
Nothing.
Nothing has developed. At least from my point of view. I don't know what I was even expecting. It hurts to wait and I don't want to wait but I am. I'm desperately clinging onto that sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be something. But that isn't happening any time soon, nor am I even sure that it's ever going to happen. I don't even know if what I actually feel is the same as what I think I'm feeling.
I don't watch the show "Awkward" but my friend was telling me about what happened in this one episode. Basically, the main character is caught between two guys and she has no idea who to choose. So in this episode, she was imagining scenarios of what could have happened if things were different. One of those possibilities involved her and one of the guys making love and ending up with her hopelessly in love with him while he couldn't reciprocate the feelings. In that scenario, she realized that maybe she had only thought she was in love with him because of what happened.
That could be happening to me too. You know how they say that things like that mess with girls more than guys because we're more emotional. I think that could be true because I'm sitting here feeling so many things at the same time and I highly doubt it's the same with him.
I do hate being a girl sometimes. Now is one of those times.
This particular entry in Thought Catalog captures a lot of my feelings perfectly. I'll leave the link here and end this post because I really need to sleep. Enjoy: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/133421/
I wish I could read his mind,
Louise
Nil.
Nada.
Nothing.
Nothing has developed. At least from my point of view. I don't know what I was even expecting. It hurts to wait and I don't want to wait but I am. I'm desperately clinging onto that sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be something. But that isn't happening any time soon, nor am I even sure that it's ever going to happen. I don't even know if what I actually feel is the same as what I think I'm feeling.
I don't watch the show "Awkward" but my friend was telling me about what happened in this one episode. Basically, the main character is caught between two guys and she has no idea who to choose. So in this episode, she was imagining scenarios of what could have happened if things were different. One of those possibilities involved her and one of the guys making love and ending up with her hopelessly in love with him while he couldn't reciprocate the feelings. In that scenario, she realized that maybe she had only thought she was in love with him because of what happened.
That could be happening to me too. You know how they say that things like that mess with girls more than guys because we're more emotional. I think that could be true because I'm sitting here feeling so many things at the same time and I highly doubt it's the same with him.
I do hate being a girl sometimes. Now is one of those times.
This particular entry in Thought Catalog captures a lot of my feelings perfectly. I'll leave the link here and end this post because I really need to sleep. Enjoy: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/133421/
I wish I could read his mind,
Louise
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I Miss You
I felt numb today.
Not physically numb. Well, maybe a little bit cause I was exhausted, but no. I was just... numb.
The things I saw that usually made me feel something - happiness, sadness, anger, anything - were now just... things.
I didn't know what happened. I thought it was a good thing. I thought I was on my way to be free of this glass dungeon that I didn't know I was trapped in at the start.
But that's exactly why I hate not being busy. Once I'm done with my work for the night and I'm lying in the dark, trying to sleep in silence, I stay up. And I think. And when I think, I don't stop until I feel so bad that I just sleep it off.
That happened again tonight. But it was a little different. I went past the point of feeling bad and instead of going back to sleep, I thought more. That's when the realization hit me.
I miss him.
I just miss that stupid annoying idiot.
It's not even the "I miss you" in a lovey-dovey, clingy sense that I usually feel. It's just "I miss you" as a friend, as a person I really care about and love spending time with.
I miss the old "us", before all the teasing and the malice and the... complications. I miss being able to start conversations without it meaning more than just me wanting to talk to you. I miss picking on you and you teasing me back. I miss our inside jokes and our similarly strange sense of humor. I miss bonding with you over weird things on the internet. I miss ranting to you and us mildly backstabbing people we both dislike. I miss intelligently debating and also nonsensically laughing with you. I miss talking to you about anything and everything and you being able to keep up. I miss completely being myself around you and feeling so comfortable when you were around.
I remember I even told you I thought you were the guy version of me and you agreed that I was the girl version of you. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like you.
We really had something special, you know? As friends. As really, really good - no, great friends.
Now, I don't know if we'll ever get that back.
Magically changing my reference from the third to the second person,
Louise
Not physically numb. Well, maybe a little bit cause I was exhausted, but no. I was just... numb.
The things I saw that usually made me feel something - happiness, sadness, anger, anything - were now just... things.
I didn't know what happened. I thought it was a good thing. I thought I was on my way to be free of this glass dungeon that I didn't know I was trapped in at the start.
But that's exactly why I hate not being busy. Once I'm done with my work for the night and I'm lying in the dark, trying to sleep in silence, I stay up. And I think. And when I think, I don't stop until I feel so bad that I just sleep it off.
That happened again tonight. But it was a little different. I went past the point of feeling bad and instead of going back to sleep, I thought more. That's when the realization hit me.
I miss him.
I just miss that stupid annoying idiot.
It's not even the "I miss you" in a lovey-dovey, clingy sense that I usually feel. It's just "I miss you" as a friend, as a person I really care about and love spending time with.
I miss the old "us", before all the teasing and the malice and the... complications. I miss being able to start conversations without it meaning more than just me wanting to talk to you. I miss picking on you and you teasing me back. I miss our inside jokes and our similarly strange sense of humor. I miss bonding with you over weird things on the internet. I miss ranting to you and us mildly backstabbing people we both dislike. I miss intelligently debating and also nonsensically laughing with you. I miss talking to you about anything and everything and you being able to keep up. I miss completely being myself around you and feeling so comfortable when you were around.
I remember I even told you I thought you were the guy version of me and you agreed that I was the girl version of you. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like you.
We really had something special, you know? As friends. As really, really good - no, great friends.
Now, I don't know if we'll ever get that back.
Magically changing my reference from the third to the second person,
Louise
Friday, September 14, 2012
I Get Emotional Sometimes
A good friend told me my entries were too vague. Well for anyone that knows, this will make complete sense. Wrote this on a different blog four months ago to air out all my feelings.
"I feel like shit.
"I feel like shit.
I feel like complete and utter shit.
I’m such a fucking idiot.
How could I even expect a happy ending to come out of that?
I can’t believe I let myself fall for that.
I can’t believe I kept hoping for something when there was obviously nothing to hope for.
Wake up and smell the dog shit, Louise.
Those things only happen in fairytales.
True love’s first kiss my ass."
Short and sweet, isn't it?
The funny thing is, whatever happened then isn't really fixed yet. Actually, it's really not funny. Why are things so complicated?
I really need to sleep,
Louise
Thursday, September 6, 2012
The Thin Line Between Positivity and Stupidity
I think I have a permanent pair of rose-colored glasses attached to my face. I'm always optimistic about everything. I'm not even exaggerating when I say everything. I'm that girl who goes, "Let's go guys, let's win this!" when we're obviously losing.
It's not a bad thing, that's for sure. I've gone through life pretty smoothly because of my optimism. I've managed to keep my chin up and smile about everything and it's helped me through a lot of pretty tough situations. Being optimistic has probably helped in making good outcomes in my life. It's always worked for me, until recently that is.
Being optimistic has a downside. You always hope, wish, wait, expect for something good to come out of everything. When it does, it's awesome. When it doesn't, the problem begins. When you're so positive about something working out, it really sucks seeing it fall to shit.
This is where I realize that there's a thin line between positivity and stupidity. It's one thing to hope for something good to come out of a situation, it's another thing to keep hanging on to the idea of a happy ending when it clearly won't happen.
I'd like to think that most of the time, I really am just positive about things. But in recent experiences, I've just been plain stupid.
I was talking to my friend today and he helped me see how much of an idiot I've been. This whole time I thought that everything has been going my way when in reality, it hasn't. The eyes see what the heart wants, I guess. It's time to start using my brain more.
Funny how people consider me a pretty smart person when I can be so dumb about the simplest things.
Of course it's 3:30 AM,
Louise
It's not a bad thing, that's for sure. I've gone through life pretty smoothly because of my optimism. I've managed to keep my chin up and smile about everything and it's helped me through a lot of pretty tough situations. Being optimistic has probably helped in making good outcomes in my life. It's always worked for me, until recently that is.
Being optimistic has a downside. You always hope, wish, wait, expect for something good to come out of everything. When it does, it's awesome. When it doesn't, the problem begins. When you're so positive about something working out, it really sucks seeing it fall to shit.
This is where I realize that there's a thin line between positivity and stupidity. It's one thing to hope for something good to come out of a situation, it's another thing to keep hanging on to the idea of a happy ending when it clearly won't happen.
I'd like to think that most of the time, I really am just positive about things. But in recent experiences, I've just been plain stupid.
I was talking to my friend today and he helped me see how much of an idiot I've been. This whole time I thought that everything has been going my way when in reality, it hasn't. The eyes see what the heart wants, I guess. It's time to start using my brain more.
Funny how people consider me a pretty smart person when I can be so dumb about the simplest things.
Of course it's 3:30 AM,
Louise
Friday, August 31, 2012
Musings at 3 AM
It's currently 3:06 AM.
Of all the times to revisit a blog that I haven't touched in years, right? Well, 3 AM is usually the time I think about things... if I stay up that late. So, I guess it isn't that surprising.
I realize that I've missed writing. No, not writing literally. I get enough of that from thesis and papers and everything in school. I miss writing for myself. Just getting all my thoughts out. I haven't found the time for it recently.
Now is as good a time as ever to start writing again, I suppose. A lot of things have been going on in my life recently. It's getting kind of hard to keep them to myself. Yes, I share almost everything to my friends but I never get to tell them what I'm really thinking.
So, here goes. A run-down of the thoughts currently plaguing me at this hour.
The first movie I ever watched in the cinema was Titanic. I probably mentioned it somewhere on this blog before. Yeah, I was a badass five year old watching one of the greatest films of all time. Actually, I wonder how I even got in. Titanic would have been at least a PG-13 movie.
Whatever. That's not the point.
I was so awestruck by the idea of watching a movie on a giant screen that I watched Titanic five times in the theatre. It's either that or I really liked the story. Nah, it's the first one. I was five! I wouldn't have understood, much less appreciated the complexity of Jack and Rose's relationship.
But now that I think about it, maybe being so obsessed with that movie at a young age did affect me subconsciously. Since I was five, I've lived with the possibility of finding "the One" and falling in love. But I'm nineteen now and that hasn't happened yet.
Sure, I've liked guys and I've had guys like me but it's never been that hazy, sparkly, running-through-the-meadow kind of thing. I mean maybe at some point a song played in my head and maybe once my heart skipped a beat when I was with some boy but I've never had enough to consider it love. It's always just boy-meets-girl. There's no follow-through.
I really do wonder when I'll find "the One" or at least some guy who I can call my legitimate boyfriend. When I was five, I imagined myself at this age in love with someone. I mean, Rose was eighteen when she met Jack! Even my relatives, family friends, and my own mother expect me to have someone by now. But I just don't.
I don't know if it's because no one likes me or because I give off the "unavailable" vibe. I don't know if it's because the guys I like don't like me or because I just don't like the right guys. I don't know if it's because everyone's gay or taken or because I'm too choosy. I don't know if it's because I'm not good enough or because I'm too good. I really can't think of a definite reason why I'm not in a relationship.
Maybe, it's just the timing. Maybe I haven't met him yet or maybe I have met him but nothing's happening yet. Maybe God is trying to tell me I'm not ready for it right now. Yeah, I should just be patient. You don't go looking for love; love finds you, right?
So I guess, for now, I'll just sit hear blogging away and hope that someday, somehow I'll meet a boy and fall in love. And he'll fall in love with me too.
Who knows? That day could be right around the corner.
Hoping - not expecting, not waiting, just hoping,
Louise
Of all the times to revisit a blog that I haven't touched in years, right? Well, 3 AM is usually the time I think about things... if I stay up that late. So, I guess it isn't that surprising.
I realize that I've missed writing. No, not writing literally. I get enough of that from thesis and papers and everything in school. I miss writing for myself. Just getting all my thoughts out. I haven't found the time for it recently.
Now is as good a time as ever to start writing again, I suppose. A lot of things have been going on in my life recently. It's getting kind of hard to keep them to myself. Yes, I share almost everything to my friends but I never get to tell them what I'm really thinking.
So, here goes. A run-down of the thoughts currently plaguing me at this hour.
The first movie I ever watched in the cinema was Titanic. I probably mentioned it somewhere on this blog before. Yeah, I was a badass five year old watching one of the greatest films of all time. Actually, I wonder how I even got in. Titanic would have been at least a PG-13 movie.
Whatever. That's not the point.
I was so awestruck by the idea of watching a movie on a giant screen that I watched Titanic five times in the theatre. It's either that or I really liked the story. Nah, it's the first one. I was five! I wouldn't have understood, much less appreciated the complexity of Jack and Rose's relationship.
But now that I think about it, maybe being so obsessed with that movie at a young age did affect me subconsciously. Since I was five, I've lived with the possibility of finding "the One" and falling in love. But I'm nineteen now and that hasn't happened yet.
Sure, I've liked guys and I've had guys like me but it's never been that hazy, sparkly, running-through-the-meadow kind of thing. I mean maybe at some point a song played in my head and maybe once my heart skipped a beat when I was with some boy but I've never had enough to consider it love. It's always just boy-meets-girl. There's no follow-through.
I really do wonder when I'll find "the One" or at least some guy who I can call my legitimate boyfriend. When I was five, I imagined myself at this age in love with someone. I mean, Rose was eighteen when she met Jack! Even my relatives, family friends, and my own mother expect me to have someone by now. But I just don't.
I don't know if it's because no one likes me or because I give off the "unavailable" vibe. I don't know if it's because the guys I like don't like me or because I just don't like the right guys. I don't know if it's because everyone's gay or taken or because I'm too choosy. I don't know if it's because I'm not good enough or because I'm too good. I really can't think of a definite reason why I'm not in a relationship.
Maybe, it's just the timing. Maybe I haven't met him yet or maybe I have met him but nothing's happening yet. Maybe God is trying to tell me I'm not ready for it right now. Yeah, I should just be patient. You don't go looking for love; love finds you, right?
So I guess, for now, I'll just sit hear blogging away and hope that someday, somehow I'll meet a boy and fall in love. And he'll fall in love with me too.
Who knows? That day could be right around the corner.
Hoping - not expecting, not waiting, just hoping,
Louise
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