It's currently 3:06 AM.
Of all the times to revisit a blog that I haven't touched in years, right? Well, 3 AM is usually the time I think about things... if I stay up that late. So, I guess it isn't that surprising.
I realize that I've missed writing. No, not writing literally. I get enough of that from thesis and papers and everything in school. I miss writing for myself. Just getting all my thoughts out. I haven't found the time for it recently.
Now is as good a time as ever to start writing again, I suppose. A lot of things have been going on in my life recently. It's getting kind of hard to keep them to myself. Yes, I share almost everything to my friends but I never get to tell them what I'm really thinking.
So, here goes. A run-down of the thoughts currently plaguing me at this hour.
The first movie I ever watched in the cinema was Titanic. I probably mentioned it somewhere on this blog before. Yeah, I was a badass five year old watching one of the greatest films of all time. Actually, I wonder how I even got in. Titanic would have been at least a PG-13 movie.
Whatever. That's not the point.
I was so awestruck by the idea of watching a movie on a giant screen that I watched Titanic five times in the theatre. It's either that or I really liked the story. Nah, it's the first one. I was five! I wouldn't have understood, much less appreciated the complexity of Jack and Rose's relationship.
But now that I think about it, maybe being so obsessed with that movie at a young age did affect me subconsciously. Since I was five, I've lived with the possibility of finding "the One" and falling in love. But I'm nineteen now and that hasn't happened yet.
Sure, I've liked guys and I've had guys like me but it's never been that hazy, sparkly, running-through-the-meadow kind of thing. I mean maybe at some point a song played in my head and maybe once my heart skipped a beat when I was with some boy but I've never had enough to consider it love. It's always just boy-meets-girl. There's no follow-through.
I really do wonder when I'll find "the One" or at least some guy who I can call my legitimate boyfriend. When I was five, I imagined myself at this age in love with someone. I mean, Rose was eighteen when she met Jack! Even my relatives, family friends, and my own mother expect me to have someone by now. But I just don't.
I don't know if it's because no one likes me or because I give off the "unavailable" vibe. I don't know if it's because the guys I like don't like me or because I just don't like the right guys. I don't know if it's because everyone's gay or taken or because I'm too choosy. I don't know if it's because I'm not good enough or because I'm too good. I really can't think of a definite reason why I'm not in a relationship.
Maybe, it's just the timing. Maybe I haven't met him yet or maybe I have met him but nothing's happening yet. Maybe God is trying to tell me I'm not ready for it right now. Yeah, I should just be patient. You don't go looking for love; love finds you, right?
So I guess, for now, I'll just sit hear blogging away and hope that someday, somehow I'll meet a boy and fall in love. And he'll fall in love with me too.
Who knows? That day could be right around the corner.
Hoping - not expecting, not waiting, just hoping,
Louise
